Posted by Kevin 214 on 11/9/08, 11:38 AM.
“Tina Fey CHEATED!!!!!! Anyone who has ever seen an old picture of her can see she has had 100% plastic surgery. Her whole face is different. She was ugly then and she is ugly now. She only wished she could ever be as beautiful as Sarah Palin.”
Dear Kevin 214,
What can I say? You have an amazing eye. I guess I got caught up in the whole Hollywood thing. I thought I could change a hundred percent of my facial features and as long as I stayed ugly, no one would notice. How foolish I was.
So let’s wipe the state clean. Full disclosure, here is a list of the procedures I’ve had done. Eye browning, nose lenghtening, I get my teeth lightly henna-ed each month to give them their amber luster. I’ve had my lips thinned, and I’ve had a treatment called Grimmàge where two fishing wires are run through my jawline and used to gather the skin until it looks like a fancy pillow.
I’ve had sebaceous implants (small balls of Restylane placed in random locations to give the appearance of youthful neck acne).
I don’t have Botox. Unfortunately I’m allergic. Instead I have monthly injections of Bromodialone, a farm-strength rat poison. This keeps my face in a constant state of irritation and paralysis, which of course is indistinguishable from sexual excitement. My face is longer and thinner than it was twenty years ago, and while some might say that is a natural effect of weight loss and aging, you and I know the truth - I pay a woman to sit on the side of my head twice a week. Madonna and Gwyneth go to her, and we’ve all had amazing results. Ugh, listen to me, I really have changed! Why did I feel the need to name-drop the fact that I’m friends with Madonna Vickerson and Gwyneth Chung?
Since you’re so savvy at spotting plastic surgery, I’m sure you’ve noticed some of my other famous friends who have “had work done.” Bishop Desmond Tutu… cheek implants. Supreme Court Judge Ruth Bader Ginsburg? Major tit job. And SpongeBob SquarePants, gender reassignment.
Keep on helpin’ me “keep it real,”